5 YEARS

Today marks the 5 year anniversary of the motorcycle accident which occured April 15, 2021. Five years ago my life was saved but also drastically changed, some would name April 15th my "alive date".

As I take this time to reflect on that day and the journey through the last five years it causes me to internally audit myself on various levels. The first being connections and relationships. To make it plain, all my relationships weither familial, business, platonic or romantic are solid but lacking substance. I know that may seem bleak and possibly ungrateful but it's the truth.  I've gone through a lot in these past five years and while people have showed up for me in major ways, I still feel somewhat disconnected. Take my relationship with mom for instance, since day one she has been by my side and at the ready whenever I need her and yet I feel like I haven't done enough to thank her to show my appreciation, not for the lack of love or gratitude but moreso because I'm simply at a loss of how to show appreciation for something so significant. Our relationship definitely has been fortunate and we are closer than ever but still, I feel like I need to do more.

Secondly,  auditing my business and financial progress sends me spiraling because I know I'm capable of way more. FIVE can represent Grace and it is not lost on me that I must show myself some along the way. I have been operating multiple businesses but in the most nonchalant, unintentional manner. In the last five years I have provided Notary Public and book keeping Services, Project Management, Web Design, expanded with the graphic design

 and continued with marketing and branding quietly. Last year I landed a contract with a company I cannot mention due to an NDA  but while it was major for me, I told no one, why??? That contract was only a couple thousand dollars but it was a big win even though in my head, it took next to nothing in labor. This made me see there is more for me and I have to apply myself. That's something  I have to explore internally, exploring why the "big" wins I keep to myself. 

It low key disturbs me how much and how many people are willing to give me a pass because of my situation. Like they don't expect anything extraordinary because I'm disabled. I'm not giving myself a pass, I know I'm peculiar and exceptional. However, being disabled is almost as expensive as not believing in God. Then on top of being disabled, I still have kids to raise and every time I think I got a little wiggle room, my back is back up against the wall. So for me there is no room for mediocrity and I see that now. It is imperative that I do things my way and not the way that is most convenient for others.

After examining my relationships and business efforts, I have to review my physical and mental health. This for me is a thorn in my side, one because even though I have every excuse not to care about it, but I do. Not so much for aesthetics but for functionality purposes. Everything I do hurts... sitting, standing, walking... it all constantly hurts some days more than others but no matter how much pain I'm in, I refuse to just totally neglect my physical and mental well-being and I know I could be doing more. It's always been a struggle for me to adhere to routines and schedules but recently I've been addressing the "executive dysfunction" that comes with whatever attention deficits I may have and I have been intentional about making things work for me and not against me but the hardest part of it all is working with others because I never really explain why I need things done a certain way, just that I need it done. Part of me feels like there is no need to explain but the cognizant side is away that some people need coddling and handholding. That sounded slightly passive aggressive and I can admit. I meant it. 

Physically, I literally just have to keep the mindset of pushing beyond my limits and circumstances. Literally walking to the car, bathroom or up the steps is a fight of willpower and self determination covered by the Grace of God. No one knows how much of a struggle it actually is to do any of the things I do and I'm thankful for that. Anytime giving up crosses my mind I go to war in my spirit because there is no other option. I could be walking up the steps and everything in me will say just sit down right where you are and stay there, thankfully, I know not to listen to those intrusive thoughts.

Finally, the most important audit I can do is evaluating my spiritual acuity. While I have grown, I can't help but feel like I'm lacking as it pertains to things of the spirit. It seems like no matter what I do or where, I'm starving, like I'm not totally standing in my divine purpose. I know I need to go deeper but not in the typical aspect of ministry. I understand that the uncomfortability that I'm feeling right now is merely a shift taking place. Sometimes I can be the Queen of wasting time but as of late, I have none to waste. I study frequently but it's hard to find the depth that I need to go further... It is a pleasure to serve in reverence to God and I find it rewarding to do so while being my true self. I find that people who may not believe yet or are questioning God are appreciative of me not pretending to have it all together. I also believe that God is pleased as well because I AM becoming a better person overall consistently. Romans 8:6 is the framework of my spiritual journey and I'm excited to see where it takes me and where God will have me to be.

Five years of uncertainty, struggle, pain, disconnection and frustration has allotted me a particular level of growth, peace, clarity and Grace that many will never know. I THANK GOD FOR ALLOWING ME TO SEE 5 YEARS AND MAKING IT TO THE AGE OF 40. 

By the way, if you want to hear the whole raw uncut story, look out for my book. It's coming very soon. Read at your own risk😉.