The Ugly Wall

In an ICU bed, during the following days of my accident I would experience moments of partial clarity because I was under sedation and going in and out of surgery after surgery. In these moments where I would be somewhat aware of my surroundings I would see this ugly wall. This wall would make me angry everytime I saw it but it became a focal point of if things were real or a hallucination. This was a textured glass wall with some kind of pink flower behind it. Of course it contained a part where my nurse and tech names were and then room number I was in, but that wall was ugly as hell. 

The amount of pain I was in was unspeakable and they failed to manage the pain because they would not listen to me. I sustained multiple injuries that included severe and total nerve damage of my right leg. Even with all the pain and constant attempts at sedation, I knew one thing for sure, that wall was ugly.

The accident happened in Sicklerville, NJ on April 15, 2021. That was exactly one year ago and the event plays clearly in my head everytime.

I was traveling westbound on Sicklerville Rd. I was stopped at a red light by the Wawa, the eastbound light turned green first and then ours. There was a van or something on my left side and as we were accelerating I saw the black SUV ahead coming eastbound, definitely speeding but I was in the right lane so I wasn't concerned. Then within a few seconds we passed the Wawa and the black SUV abruptly made a left turn right in front of me and I had nowhere to go. I slammed on brakes as hard as I could and tried to go right to avoid a head on collision in my lane but it wasn't enough time. CRASH!!!!! I was hit head on and I flew off my yellow and black Suzuki GSX-R 750. It felt like forever that I was in the air. I was anticipating the impact of the ground so I tucked my chin and tried to shield my face with my arms. When I hit the ground I heard my bones crack and my body fold in unnatural ways. And when I finally stopped I felt pain. I couldn't breathe. People we're running to me yelling and concerned. I couldn't see faces but I heard voices and someone yelled take the helmet off. I lost it! I started yelling, "NO" don't touch my helmet just call 911, they were trying to convince me it was ok and they were trying to help but as an EMT, I knew better. Then a woman asks me "is there anyone I can call?" I had two choices,  two of my sisters both about 2 minutes away, and I knew the answer, I had to call my sister O. In my head I knew that my choice may have offended someone but my life was on the line, I called the nurse. I knew someone would have to be scarred with the image of my body laying on that ground for years to come and I had to selfishly lay that on her because I knew she would make sure I had the best chance of survival. I still feel bad I had to make that choice but it was the right one.

Firefighters arrived first, assessing the situation,

then quickly sprung into action. They gave me oxygen and cut away my clothes while asking questions and eventually covered my unmentionables. I was fading in and out and I knew I had to breath and breath deep. My sister arrived on scene in no time and was by my side. Before she got there I didn't think I was that close to death but when she spoke to me my heart sunk. I could hear it in her voice, I wasn't doing good at all. All she said was, "I'm here".  After, the police showed up, they put me on the backboard and secured c-spine then they lifted me onto the stretcher. God, that hurt so much. They couldn't figure out how I was still conscious. Apparently, I lost a lot of blood. I was conscious for the whole process up until maybe halfway through the ambulance ride. There was a black woman holding my hand and I told her I was an EMT too and asked her to tell me the truth, "am I going to die?" I asked her this between deep breaths while feeling myself fading and she said "you are going to be fine". I knew she really had no way of knowing this as the paramedics were working on me as we spoke but I chose to believe it. I thought about how many times, I was her. Holding someone's hand in the back of the ambulance telling them they were going to be okay when I had very little control over that but it helped in someway most of the time.

Then the ketamine happened......