Circumstantial Reality

It's been a year and a half since my reality was shifted and catapulted into a puzzle that I have been working on daily. There are so many pieces to my new reality that I have yet to even locate and haven't even considered what they may manifest as.Take into consideration my relationship. This is something that people don't even acknowledge or concern themselves with. 

Before my accident I was not really concerned with having a life partner. Yes, I have been in a relationship with someone for almost two years now and we were only like 6 months in when I almost died. He was there for me when he could be but he wasn't my main source of support and that to me is a problem. My whole adult life, everytime I have been in a relationship, my kids and partner have been my family so if I needed someone to drive me home from the dentist or keep the kids while I was away it would be my partner's and I responsibility to make sure those things were done before ever reaching out to my always ready and willing family and friends. They were and are always an option but would never be my first choice because of how I perceive things should work. This time however, we never got that far in our relationship so it was my kids, friends and family who took the reigns and while I appreciate it, it would have never been my first choice. That's something we still have to work on between us, establishing some kind of baseline but it's been hard to maintain something like a relationship during my recovery.

So instead of things being contained to just my kids and my partner, there is my parents, my sister's and a few close friends. While it's comforting to know they will always be there it's is equally bothersome that I have to rely so heavily on them and not my significant other. Maybe it's selfish to feel this way but, that's how I feel. I love that my mom sacrifices almost every day to make sure my life isn't in shambles and I hate it too. I hate that not only does she have to deal with my unorthodox household but she still has to maintain hers as well, making sure my dad isn't totally abandoned. I need to make sure this doesn't go on for too much longer. Meaning, I have to consciously make sure my life is moving toward independence.

I woke up this early morning completely unaware of where I was, (this happens sometimes.) I woke up thinking I was in ICU again. The pain, the darkness and even the blue lights and beeping. When I finally came to my senses it was a combination of flashbacks, the fish tank light and a show that was playing in the background. I never sleep with the T.V on and now I am sure, it is for good reason. When I was in my delusion, I was distressed and angry but when I became totally aware I wanted, no, I needed some reassurance but there was none because of course, he's not here. 

I have come to terms with him not being around the majority of the time and I'm mostly okay with it especially after being smothered in a past relationship. However, moments such as this morning, I could have used a certain presence.

Now that circumstances have changed, my reality must be adjusted accordingly and I'm afraid of what that may mean for us but I am ready for the discussion. Question is, is he?👀