The Prayer

In that second right before impact I asked God for help specifically in Jesus'name. After I was on the ground and gained back my focus I knew I was in a race against time. As time moved, I grew more and more weak, my breaths, more shallow and my eyes more dim, I knew it wasn't an ideal situation. So in between silently coaching myself to breath and breath deep I was praying. I asked to be saved and for my soul to be cleansed. I asked God to forgive all I'd done wrong and to bless all those who were trying to help me. I remember quoting The Word in my prayer like God didn't know it. "You said I will live and not die", "in my weakness you are strong", I repeated this many times because that's all I could remember at the moment.  "You said I will have life and have it more abundantly", no it wasnt word for word but I was dying and I knew how to fail at it. There were others that would come as I was petitioning for my life but intially I was in the same breath asking for forgiveness. Then it hit me. I had to really make a choice, am I going to believe God can save me or was I going to keep doubting in-between? How could I speak the word of God which I claimed to believe and then in the same breath have a contingency plan? After fumbling for awhile I stopped asking God to forgive me because I chose to believe I would have a chance to do so at a later time. Not Because I felt like I didn't need forgiveness but because I could not be lukewarm in my expectations and beliefs. I became sure. It took a lot of questioning myself and reality to get to this point of certainty. I came to understand that doubt would be the death of me. I needed to walk on water and sinking wasn't an option. 

Prayer has become habit now. Yes I prayed often prior to the accident but now it's more frequent. Oddly enough I have just recently gotten to the point where I'm asking to be able to walk. It is my prayer that I will be able to be mobile again but not just mobile. I pray that my steps be ordered. Every breath I take is important and every step valuable. I'm in the process of learning how to walk again but I know this time it will not be the same. I need to sit with that thought for a minute.

I've been on this journey with God through Jesus Christ for some time now and its been an interesting affair. At times it was clear and narrow and others very broad and wide and I'm not ashamed one bit. I'm not ashamed because I never once just quit or denied salvation.  I've heard it be said that you have to work to go to hell and it's true because hell is simply being apart from God. I know some theologians will cringe because I've simplified something so vital to religion but I'm not concerned about religion. It's always been about relationship. My relationship with God is constant and honest. So my "walk" has admittedly been messy a lot of times, stumbling, falling and definitely tripping but I've never just stopped walking. So now that I physically am unable to walk at the moment, every step I take is precious. Of course if I have come to this conclusion physically than spiritually that has to mean something. It means that as I make choices, speak words and serve I have to be very intentional in regards to my relationship with God.  It means I need to be as sure as I was asking to be saved while giving thanks. I need to be certain that my thanksgiving be loud and clear that the world knows, it was only by the grace of God through Jesus Christ that my life was spared and that every step I take is because of the grace and mercy allotted to me.

My prayer is that if anyone doubts God, that their ears be opened so they can hear how I am able to be alive. I need everyone who is not so far past gone to know that if I, the rebel, the unwed mother, the foul mouthed fornicator can be saved. So can you. You don't have to make it public knowledge if you are not ready to but don't pass up a life, with salvation available, for death. Don't let these people fool you into thinking they are perfect or you need to be perfect. You just have to be willing. Study to show yourself approved and no person in this world will ever make you doubt God. This is a choice, just like me choosing to believe God would save me through all of those EMS and hospital workers, you have to choose to believe. 

I thank God for saving my life and for every life that will saved because of mine being spared.