Skip to main content

Ketamine Trip

When they were finally able to put me under sedation it was horrible. My brain was doing crazy things. Maybe it was my subconscious or maybe it was actually what was happening but it seemed like a computer was shutting down and going haywire. There was a screen playing random and sometimes disturbing images and I remember fighting not to believe those images. I was faced with my own mortality frequently during this time to the point I didn't know if I was alive or dead for days. I hate ketamine, was it necessary? Absolutely, but I'd rather not go through that ever again. The one that was most frequent was me laying lifeless on a hospital bed and me trying to figure out if it was real or not.  I was so confused because multiple times I experienced use something called "unintentional awareness" where I would wake up on the table during the many surgeries. So you can imagine how crazy I felt. 

 No one knew if I would make it in those first couple of days, but I know there were many who expected nothing less. I know there were people praying for me and I was definitely praying for myself every chance I got and was lucid enough to do so.
When I started to finally become clear one of my sisters were in the ICU room with me and I asked her if WE were dead. I can laugh now but I was very serious at that moment. I probably would have come to my senses faster but you know Covid was hendering the contact I needed. This wasn't the first time I needed a familiar voice to anchor me either.
Some weeks in, I was coming out of yet another surgery but this time I was out of my mind. I was fighting them with every ounce of strength I had because I was convinced they were kidnapping me. I thought I had escaped the hospital and they had captured me. Now keep in mind, my right leg is paralyzed, both hips and my pelvis were broken and my left knee had just been operated on. I had to be losing it for real. That resulted in me being given a sedative for awhile.
Then, I kept telling them I had an allergy to adhesive but they kept putting it on me until it burned my mouth while I was intubated for one of my surgeries. By this time I was lucid and I was not happy at all and I made sure they knew it. I feel some type of way about my face......

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Ugly Wall

In an ICU bed, during the following days of my accident I would experience moments of partial clarity because I was under sedation and going in and out of surgery after surgery. In these moments where I would be somewhat aware of my surroundings I would see this ugly wall. This wall would make me angry everytime I saw it but it became a focal point of if things were real or a hallucination. This was a textured glass wall with some kind of pink flower behind it. Of course it contained a part where my nurse and tech names were and then room number I was in, but that wall was ugly as hell.  The amount of pain I was in was unspeakable and they failed to manage the pain because they would not listen to me. I sustained multiple injuries that included severe and total nerve damage of my right leg. Even with all the pain and constant attempts at sedation, I knew one thing for sure, that wall was ugly. The accident happened in Sicklerville, NJ on April 15, 2021. That was exactly one year ag...
Post a Comment
Read more

Contemplating over Complaining

Every day since April 15, 2021, I have had something I could have complained about. I still have substantial complaints that could justify any unproductive action  I could choose to take.  From the excruciating consistent pain, mobility deprivation to the lack of financial stability, I could at any moment present signs of depression or worse. However, there is a scripture that comes to mind that can somewhat depict why that is NOT my story.        "Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6‭-‬7 NLT) God's peace is absolutely beyond comprehension. I can not by any means credit myself with anything except choice. I can smile and be productive not because everything is okay but simply because I have been gr...
Post a Comment
Read more

September is Spinal Cord Awareness Month

September is Spinal Cord Injury Awareness month ... In addition to other awarenesses... Now that I know ... 💯💪🏾 I have a L4,L5 Avulsion with complete lumbosacral plexus damage in addition to all the other injuries I have....   I would  like to encourage someone who may be dealing with a SCI by reiterating the FACT that everything the doctors said I couldn't do, I did or am doing and I expect to accomplish much more. Miracles do happen and I'm living proof. The fact that I'm only a monoplegic (paralysis of one limb) is rare in itself and that I've gained some feeling and function in that limb is amazing. So that's why my position is always one of gratitude and victory. I understand and know all too well that it's extremely HARD  but you can do it. Don't give up. There are things that I despise, like the CONSTANT excruciating pain that people can't tell exists most days. I can't stand steps but I conquer them every day. Plus the things we don't ...
Post a Comment
Read more