ACHES & PAINS

Imagine waking out of surgery with all of these apparatuses DRILLED into your body. Initially I was terrified and confused and in a whole lot of pain. The nerve pain being the worst but we'll talk about that later.

This is the process I'm going through. Thankfully those external fixations that were horrendously painful were removed after a few weeks from my right leg, pelvis, left hand and left foot. The one holding my pelvis in place was very inconvenient. There are some  other pictures I want to share of my other injuries but I feel they are way too private. 

Below are just a few pictures of the aftermath.

This knee surgery was done about seven months later. 

Since the initial accident the pain I deal with is outrageous. Some days, I can cope but other days I'm literally crying and praying for some kind of relief. Unfortunately, I am still dependent on constant medications to help control the pain daily and sometimes it proves unsuccessful. On those days I have no clue what to do or how to do it and I know my family, especially my kids have a hard time seeing me in that state because I'm not an emotional individual, I very rarely cry but now I can say the tears come on those days.

It usually happens at night. You have to first understand that constantly my pain is at about a "6", with pain medication, then the spasms and various types of nerve attacks drastically and suddenly increase. I don't think there are even words to explain what happens or how it feels but to give you and idea I will try. It feels like knives being dragged through whichever part of my right leg that decides to betray me. It burns, itches and pulsates all at the same time, shooting up and down my leg that I am currently unable to move. When this happens, someone always asks, "Are you okay? Can I help do anything?" My calculated response has become "No, but I will be." I made a choice to speak in positives whenever possible and sometimes it's just not possible for me. Sometimes, I yell and scream obscenities out of pure frustration and rage. Sometimes, I can't interact with anyone because I'm liable to take it out on them. Pain is a very humbling thing.

Sadly, I have developed a fear of pain. Sometimes I intentionally avoid doing things that I know will cause me more pain. Simple things like getting out of the bed is a very painful thing for me even with assistance moving my right leg. After one year, it's still a struggle but I take it as a badge of honor because I was blessed to make it this far and experience this much progress despite all the pain.

I truly thank God for the strength and grace to be able to make it through the bad days.